September 23, 2006

I have lots of old journals and files that I have written over the years and I was reading through some of them this morning and found an old journal entry that I felt like I should share:

"Focusing on the Sovereignty of God

I spent my weekend in West Virigina at a Beth Moore conference. I asked the Lord to show up in my life and change me this weekend and he was not slow to answer my request. I went into this weekend just positive that God was about to break me to pieces and just leave me devastated. For some reason that has been my struggle all week long in preparing for this conference; scared to death that He was going to hurt me. My background is one of abandon, hurt, and total confusion; so for some time now I have thought I deserve nothing more from God than that. I have expected God to hurt me and turn his back on me because of my past.

Oh, but to my glorious surprise that is NOT the GOD I serve. Tonight the Lord spoke to me so clearly, saying "Courtney, I'm not a mean God and I'm not out to hurt you. You think I'm trying to break you when in reality I'm trying to lift you up." WOW, what a remarkable word from my God. One thing Beth said tonight I know was said just for me totally revived my whole world, "So much of our personal misery is wrapped up in our own insecurity. We have got to remember our feelings do not determine God's presence or God's feeling about us in our lives. Don't you dare let Satan trick you or tell you otherwise."

God is always there for us and he is not emotionally messed up or insecure about who He is. He is our stable and consistent God. This is so awesome because I really needed to know that I don't have an insecure God. The God I serve is the one who can and will lift me up."

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Every now and then I like going back and reading my old journals. It takes me back and reminds me of all the great lessons God has taught me. I've been a Christian for 17 years. AND, OH MY WORD I FEEL SO OLD SAYING THAT! It's almost unbelievable that I've been walking with Christ for that long or that I've even been alive that long. WOW!!! (I'm having a getting old mental moment right now) :) Ok, I'm better now. .... well, maybe not.. I'm a little overwhelmed by this fact. :(

OK... well, I have a feeling I'll remain in my overwhelming phase for a little bit but I'll try to get back on track now.

So, before I was so rudely interrupted by my 17 year confession.... :) Isn't it amazing to know we serve a God that looks past all of our "booboo's and scars"? He doesn't see us as a scratched up mess.. He just see's His Child! He see's ME!! The real ME, and loves me regardless.

Living in Awe!!
God's Daughter >>>> ME!! :)