Poor In Spirit

The President of SWBTS (southwestern seminary) is doing a sermon series on the Sermon on the Mount during the course of this semester. Well, yesterday he did an overview of the Sermon and gave the general ideas of what Christ was trying to get across. I really got stuck at the part where it talks about us being "poor in spirit." I have read this sermon so many times, but this time this particular part of the sermon is sticking out to me.

I'm thinking back today about how I was feeling last night (see my previous blog entry) and I think my pondering on this point actually affected me more than I expected. I truly believe Christ is beginning a new work in my life. I would be crazy to try and deny such a thing. His Word has been so alive to me recently and I'm finding myself thinking things, and experiencing things that I know are coming from the very heart of God. It might sound totally crazy, but He is reaching out to me and really calling my name on certain areas of my life right now.

Angela Thomas wrote a bible study about the Sermon on the Mount called, A Beautiful Offering. I decided to use this in my bible study today to get more direction about what God is trying to teach me right now. Below are Angela's writings on this topic.

"I am exhausted. Maybe as empty as I have ever been. Zombie-like. Numb. Physcially, mentally, and emotionally baked........... Exhaustion seemed to highlight every area of my brokenness. It magnified my frustration over every imperfection. The place this poverty of spirit takes me can be depressing, paralyzing, and overwhelming." She goes on to say, "It's embarrassing to come to Jesus with a poor spirit. I think, look at all God has done for me. I should be stronger. I should be an overcomer. I should have renewed energy because of my joy over His love for me. I should be healed by now. More godly by now. Near perfect by now."

WOW, that's exactly where I was last night and I just took it and wrote it off as, oh well, I'm just tired physcially. But it's not physical - it's spiritual. I had taken what Dr. Patterson talked about with me all day yesterday and my very soul, my inner being was grieving and crying out about how unworthy I felt. I was completely out of it last night and talked to Rodney about it and he started trying to help me understand what in the world I was feeling. I was numb... I was zombie-like in that my thoughts were standing still and I could not focus my mind on anything else except for why I feeling so "poor in spirit." And, I was embarrassed by it. Even talking to Rodney, I was like why am I feeling this way? After everything God has done for us, for me: why am I so "poor in spirit" right now.

All I can figure, is that Christ is using what I'm feeling to draw me closer to Him. Because, that's what He does. I know that anything Christ brings my way: be it, feelings, circumstances, etc. He is only bringing them my way to draw me closer to Himself. To give me a deeper understanding of who I am in Him and who He is!

Angela also wrote, "what gives me hope is coming to know the heart of Jesus in this passage. When He began to talk to the people about becoming more like the kingdom, He could have said anything like, 'work hard, pray hard, give everything an it probably still won't be enough to please God.' Instead, our tender Savior began here, with blessings. In Matthew 5:3, we can see for ourselves that there is blessing for the poor in spirit."

So, instead of focusing on being poor in spirit, I will put my focus on desiring the presence of God and allow Him to teach me and use me for His glory as I try and understand all this.